Tag Archives: living

Birthdays

These are funny things. The spotlight turns on you. At a young age, the frisson of excitement is almost too much, anticipation and then release. Seeming to take for ever to arrive. As an adult there is more nervousness, whether the presents you have bought your partner are really any good. Will they like them. What made you choose that? Lack of money. Pressure. Having to fulfil expectations both as a giver and a receiver. It’s a day you have to enjoy yourself. Too much pressure. Which is why you should spread it out, have a birthday week. Enjoy the chance of a lie in. Alter your patterns. The Covid 19 pandemic changed birthdays, a screen full of friends, acting, playing games, memories. Almost more connection, although virtual. Rafts of in person events cancelled. Meetings on doorsteps, sneaking off to the park, borrowing a dog for a secret rendezvous. Under control, police states surfacing almost instantly, the collective behaviour altered irreparably. Eat out to help out. Now we can’t afford to eat out or are bored of it, living in a small town going to the same places, eating average food at expensive prices. In doorways, lumps of human flesh are concealed, wrapped in sleeping bags and blankets, possessions stuffed around them, trying to stay warm, trying to be human. Birthdays, like every other day should be about trying to help, to recognise the plight of fellow humans. Stop and talk. Be there. Be present.

I don’t really want to celebrate but I feel obliged. OK I can enjoy it but having a deep winter birthday I try and add some sunshine to my spheres, to meet with friends and get the year moving; light is returning. The flood of deep winter deaths relenting. Hawaiian parties, Latin music, sparkle, light, glitter. There are never any expectations. Spring and summer birthdays have it lucky, or get disappointed due to the weather, or people being away. At least in the winter everyone is generally around, and desperate for something to alter their states of mind. One friend has his birthday at the end of May, often falling on a bank holiday, a time when people are away, doing their own thing. This creates a sense of isolation, a lack of connection as couples, families have their own agendas which cater for their inner circle, the unit, not especially interested in friends at that point. Birthdays can highlight the lack of children, tensions in family, a poignant moment. My dad died on my birthday. Thanks papa. Some sort of perfect symmetry, 23.1.23.

Money, Money, Money

Money, what is it good for. Absolutely buying anything you want, not worrying about your future. Safety. We live on that edge of calmness and concern. Working daily to make ends meet, not struggling but veering towards the precipice which could cause it all to fall down. Living a comfortable life but knowing that one misstep could mean it all comes tumbling down. But we are middle class, have the security of family and friends, our health and many back up plans. We are a long way from the streets but like most people, closer than everyone thinks. It only takes one Michael Douglas day, to wake up on the wrong side, to self destruct through sheer and sudden panic. I have a contract for a couple of years, the job is engaging and interesting but already I am slightly distracted, wondering what I can do in 2026. Where will my career go, how do I ensure the future. Generally though I believe in fate, and waiting for the right opportunities to arrive. I balance my money between credit cards, juggling everyday, checking apps and fine tuning, watching the numbers gradually get lower and lower. As a student it took me a while to get used to money. I was amazed that each time I went to a cashpoint the number seemed to increase, before realising that there was a minus sign before it. Some people have money tied up in properties. Those ‘lucky’ people who inherited something or came to the housing market at an opportune point. This has long gone for the youth of today. The ladder is gradually rising off the ground, way out of reach. Asset rich, cash poor the nouveau upper middle class sometimes struggle to work, used to having money fly to them, swirling around in the sky and gently dropping into their waiting arms. For most of us money has to be learnt. The hard slog of life to get some cash, to pay for a holiday as a break from the drudgery of life. To buy something that takes us away from normality, is special. Provides a focus. I would love to buy a new synthesis for my studio but everyday money passing means that it keeps getting pushed back, waiting for that magical moment when you gain something. A minor lottery win (although I only played it for the first few weeks). Tax rebate. Work bonus. Maybe one of my tracks or books or photographs will finally make me some dosh after all this time. Waiting. Working. Longing. I don’t want much, just that little extra. But money means nothing. It is worthless. Previously gold, silver, paper and now just numbers rolling around in the ether. Money makes the world go round but will also lead to its fatality. Money will be squirrelled away by the chosen few as the earth burns, floods, dies. They will be standing there with notes stuffed in their pockets as the world gradually tips off its axis and falls away into the ether, another lonely star wondering around in outer space without a cashpoint in sight.